Adeline Chapter Five: dreams

I was thinking about that storm, Beanie.

You remember, don’t you? The famous storm that brought that huge old cypress down on McMillan’s barn, way up at the head of the lake. I’m sure you were there, even though I don’t know as I saw you.

Anyway, for some reason I’ve been thinking about it a lot these days, although I wish I weren’t.

I remember that day. I remember how the water turned murky and dark, how the wind blew wild across the lake, churning everything up until the waves seemed angry. The sky grew darker by the minute. Huge thunderclouds rolled in like rogue waves, threatening to swallow us whole. Clouds black as coal. Daggers of lightning slicing the sky in flashes so quick they were gone in the blink of an eye.

Were they ever really there?

There was still daylight, although it was fading. I could see it glowing through the wild water over my head. Looking up, I watched the wind ripple across the surface, and then the waves rolled over me, drowning out even that.

Then the clouds began shrinking the blue from the sky, and I knew it wouldn’t be long before darkness overtook me completely.

I needed to get to the surface as quickly as I could.

But I was looking for you, Beanie.

Where were you?

The oxygen was escaping my lungs, and I was frantically searching, clawing my way through the murk. My heart pounded. My ears rang. The water grew colder and colder around me, and I didn’t know how much longer I could stand to stay in.

Would I actually leave you behind?

I cried so hard my tears filled the lake, and soon it flooded the skiff. I had given up holding on to it when I dove down to pull you out. Now it was beside me, a little skiff with a seat for both of us, if only we would come aboard.

I reached for an oar drifting above me.

How would we paddle out without an oar?

But then the skiff began to sink. Slowly, silently, it drifted toward the bottom until I could no longer see it.

Maybe it had gone to pick you up.

I don’t really know.

But I knew one thing for sure. I needed to breathe.

A heavy weight pressed against my chest. I was gasping, trying to swim toward the surface, but something was holding me down.

I was happy God had sent the skiff for you, because I was useless.

I was drowning.

I was frozen with fear, terrified of staying and terrified of leaving you alone. If only you could have signaled me from the safety of above. If only you could have been swimming, or paddling in a little float, waving your arms over the water so I would see you.

I would have seen your strawberry hair. Your tanned skin. The honesty of your smile.

I would have known you were all right then.

I would have felt free to leave.

Then I could have risen to the surface and caught my breath — truly, a breath of life.

But it didn’t happen that way, did it, Beanie?

It didn’t happen so simply, as life never really does. So many roadblocks. So many complications in such a simple plan. At least, what started out to be a simple plan.

This life, you know, I don’t believe it was ever meant to be so difficult.

Did it become this way because of us?

Or in spite of us?

So I wasn’t free from my demon after all. I had been overly confident that it was done with me, lost to the nightmares of my childhood.

My guard was down, and I was rolling with the thunder, and suddenly there it was again — holding me under, keeping me prisoner to guilt and fear. Reminding me to pay close attention in life. Close attention to those you love. Because if you don’t, you just might lose them along the way.

Just as I had lost you.

I could hear its mockery then, that ugly laughter burning in my ears.

My lungs ached from the abrupt suction of air. They could not fill fast enough. I was so out of breath I thought I was nearly done for. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to fill them so quickly, so desperately, and yet it was all I could do to keep myself alive.

Then I did what I could to calm myself. To slow my racing heart. To ease the ache in my chest.

But most of all, it was all I could do to get the evil out of my sight.

I could not sit in silence, not when the quiet might fill with the sounds of tragedy. Your mother’s cries. Your father’s agony.

There was nothing to do but pray.

It took a long time to recover from that storm, Beanie. A long time for my body to stop trembling. A long time for my mind to find rest.

But Jack needed me.

For the first time in our lives, I was the one who had to lead the way.

And I did.

I only wish he had followed close behind.

I only wish he had had the strength to keep up.

Adeline continues next week with Chapter Six.