Adeline Chapter Twelve: simply being
Simply Being
Is it all a dream, I wondered? Is all of life nothing more than a dream? It seemed that way, so unreal, so untouchable.
Life floated around me, my children and grandchildren all going about their day. No one looked in my direction. No one said a word. I tried to talk to them, but they just moved past me, around me, and right through me.
Yet I was filled with such simple peacefulness at that moment, and I knew they would all carry on without me. Suddenly, everything was just as it should be. It was just as any one of us could hope for.
I will leave behind a part of myself in their hearts, and in some of their mannerisms and likenesses. I always laugh when I see my granddaughter, Emma, because she is so much like me. I love to hear the slight waver in her mother’s voice when she tells her, “You’re so much like your grandmother, it scares me.”
It is said with a hint of pride and a hint of disgust.
When we leave our families, surely there is a good part of us they are glad to see go, yet an even better part of us they will miss.
It struck me how odd it was to feel no sadness. I was so content just watching everyone go on. There were friends I hadn’t seen in years and people I’d completely forgotten about. They were getting older too. In fact, some of them wore an aura of death, yet they were unaware of it.
I felt myself so prepared, so ready for the journey ahead. There was no fear, no question, no regret. I was simply ready to go on to the next stage of my life, a different life in a different place.
I wondered what my role would be and what my new purpose would be. Under normal circumstances, this would have been exciting, full of adventure and expectation.
But it wasn’t a bit like that. After all, ordinary times were far behind me now.
There is only what God has planned.
What a wonderful sense of relief. I just can’t explain it. Heavenly relief.
The ringing in my ears could have been the buzz of a bee, annoying and persistent as it was. I tried to swat it away with my mind because my arms wouldn’t rise.
It grew louder and louder and then changed from a ringing to the wail of a siren. Wetness embraced my face, at first warm, then turning cold with the breeze.
I have no concept of time anymore, and I certainly didn’t have any the morning I woke on the mountain.
I tried to answer the voices calling my name, but my throat was stuck closed and all that came out was a scratchy little croak. I cleared it and tried again and again, but I never did manage a sound.
I guessed I would just have to wait until the voices got a bit closer.
And they did, in time, with the help of a couple of good scouts.
Next thing I knew, the hounds were barking and nudging their cold wet noses in my face. They were so happy to find me they made me laugh.
At least in my heart I laughed.
Then the voices were right there, pushing the dogs out of the way, asking me more questions than I’d ever been asked in my life.
Good Lord, I thought, why such a fuss over an old lady who took a walk and got a little lost? I didn’t want all this attention.
But you know, Beanie, I wasn’t going to get off easily, now was I?
A man who seemed to be in charge poured water on my face. I think he was trying to give me a drink, but I don’t think any of it got to my mouth. He kept pestering me to move parts of my body and took my pulse and all kinds of things.
I don’t know that I actually moved anything or said anything. I was so tired, and I couldn’t seem to pay attention.
Soon, I felt the comfort of nice warm blankets being wrapped tightly around me, like you do when you swaddle a baby. Then there was some sort of stretcher they secured me to.
I didn’t realize how cold I was until I felt the warmth of those blankets.
Next thing I know, I’m in this hospital room and the whole family is mad at me.
They don’t know that I can hear them, but I can.
If I recover, I will be in maximum-security lockdown.
Well, I am sorry that I have inconvenienced them once again, and I am sorry to disappoint them, but there will be no more restrictions imposed on this old woman.
There is nothing more anyone can do for me here, and I have no desire to live any longer in their imprisoned ways.
Too much of life is spent in the scrutiny of the world, with eyes upon you that don’t really see. How we manage to walk through life, Beanie, with such a heavy veil over our eyes is a mystery to me.
Why don’t we wake up and remove it so that we can see clearly the ridiculous ways of the world?
I will no longer play in the game of life. It holds no real water, just a sieve pretending to be a reservoir.
There is such peace and contentment in simply being in the place I am in right now. I feel more alive than I have ever been.
My senses are acutely aware of everything around me, outside these walls, of the earth, of the universe.
Mother Earth is reaching out to me even from deep under the foundation of this building. She is not threatened by the man-made world of concrete, steel, and glass.
She has the power to shake it to the ground if she chooses.
I am so glad I had a final adventure in my own little paradise. There was work to be done before I could leave this world, and now it is done.
I am free to go!
Free to do as I please, leaving no unfinished business behind.
I know they love me, but I also know when a person has worn out their worldly welcome, and I do believe my time has come.
Beanie? Are you there?
“I’m here, Nanna.”
Will you take me home with you now?
“Yes, Nanna. Take my hand. It’s time for you to go.”
Join us next week for the epilogue and a final reflection on Adeline’s journey.
