Mary Ann Hayes

As surely as a rose reveals velvet soft petals and heavenly fragrance, Shirley reminded me of it’s rather nasty thorns. In the world of surely, Shirley held her ground with solid stance and determination, unyielding to the ideas of others. Meaning me.

Surely, I knew Shirley was annoyed and probably hated me by the time I’d submitted my dissertation regarding the necessity of a name change. It’s not as if she’d been christened with a name she would most likely spend her whole life defending. Right?

A few examples:

Page 1. The time in sixth grade when Robby Grafton proclaimed loud and clear, “surely, you’re a sure thing, Shirley!” From that moment on, you’ve been referred to as, “sure thing, Shirley.” That right there should be enough.

Page 2. The entirely dreadful memory in sixth grade gym class when Mrs. Strand couldn’t stop herself with, “surely you can climb that rope, Shirley! Surely, you can’t give up with a name like, “Shirley!” “Surely you can do it, Shirley!” the whole class chanted.

Page 3. “It’s a sure thing cuz we’ve got Shirley on our team!” “That’s right! Sure thing Shirley!”

Page 25. High School. Your own mom saying, “surely you don’t intend to eat all of that, now do you Shirley?” And, “surely you don’t intend on wearing that out of the house, now do you Shirley?”

Page 27. High School Graduation. “Congratulations, Shirley. You are sure to do well in life.” And, “Surely, you plan to go on to further your education. Surely, Shirley has exciting plans – right, Shirley?”

Page 79. You’re mom to me: “surely you could suggest Shirley do something about that freshman fifteen. It’ll surely get away from her if she’s not careful!”

In the bad name of bad names category, who’d ever thought a simple name like Shirley could pack such a huge trunk of emotional baggage.

Hours later she finished reading the highlights of her life. It was her twenty-first birthday. Her mother had actually said to me, “surely you’ll stay for a piece of Shirley’s birthday cake, won’t you? It’s fat free!”

Shirley smiled at me and heaved a heavy sigh. “You’re right. It’s time,” she said. “Surely, there are few who happily skip through an entire lifetime with the name “Shirley.”

The paper work took three months. Shirley invited her close friends and a few family members to a “new name revealing” party. The name was written on a large sign hidden under a curtain. Champagne was poured. Glasses were raised. The curtain was snapped away. The new name Shirley had chosen for the rest of her life was revealed.

Grace. It took about five seconds for her to become Racie Gracie.

Some people just can’t win.

Later,

Mary Ann

It is, of course, unnecessary to point out that we are buried in snow, not only here in the Pacific Northwest, but apparently everywhere there’s a news station. So, while we’re drowning in the stuff, I’d like to point out the obvious, just for the sake of whining, and share a few facts I’ve never really thought about.

For example — snow shoveling backaches, slips and falls and broken bones, frozen toes, frost bit fingers, cars in ditches, icy roads, and school closures, are just a few reasons why we often feel snow is a negative. There are all the usual things like helping the dog find a place to pee, and the inconvenience of keeping the sugar water in the hummingbird feeder thawed. Not to mention suffering from anxiety over delayed Amazon orders and mail delivery and just exactly when is garbage pick up anyway?

So here’s some more bad stuff. Did you know the moles, voles, and field mice are rejoicing this very minute over the fact that their natural predators can’t find them? Therefore, they are free to gnaw on the bark of trees and shrubs, often killing the plants, then brazenly prance around fat and happy in the spring.

And what about all that road salt? We use 22 million tons of salt a year on U.S. roads. That’s 137 lbs. per US citizen each and every year. It eventually dissolves, becomes surface runoff, and contaminates creeks, rivers, streams, and lakes. This contributes to the degradation of natures ecosystem. We humans are reliant on a healthy ecosystem, so what’s the deal?

Yet snow is also sweet as salve on a sunburn, bringing relief in many ways.

It’s an excellent insulator of the soil. Without snow, extreme cold can freeze deep soil damaging root systems. It helps conserve soil moisture over winter so when the time comes, spring can burst into spectacular bloom.

You know how it is on a sunny snowy day: sunglasses and squinting at all the brilliance. The snows high reflectivity helps Earths energy balance because it reflects solar energy back into space. Somehow, this helps cool the planet, keeping the balance. It’s mother nature magic!

Snow and cold temperatures also keep the insect population under control in summer. Ever notice how we have more mosquitoes and lawn moths following a mild winter? A serious cold snap in winter is imperative for limiting the summer- time insect invasion.

And then there’s the simple beauty of it all. Snow capped mountains, trees trimmed in white, the crunch under snowboots as we walk through the sparkling powder. I am amazed how blue the sky is when everything is covered in snow and the sun is shining. The brightest and bluest of blues. And the evergreens appear a deep, rich, hunter green poking out from under cotton flocking, their trunks milk and dark chocolate showcased against a stark white canvas.

And the snowflakes; each unique, large as quarters and tiny as fairy teardrops. Just watching them float, drift, glide, from the steely gray sky is a joy in itself.

It won’t last much longer, so enjoy it while it’s here.

Later,

Mary Ann

Prescription drugs. Can’t sleep with them – can’t live without them. Sleep aids aside, that’s the conclusion I’ve arrived at after minutes of intense research into the question of why we no longer sleep through the night.

The “we” I am referring to is the mature population of our country. The sixty and over crowd. “We” have a very serious choice to make. You see, there is this thing called “sleep architecture” which involves changes in our sleep patterns. Although we still need the same seven to eight hours every night, the nights sleep we get now-a-days doesn’t look the same as it used to.

We now have “sleep latency” which is a fancy way of saying it takes us forever to fall asleep. Back in our care free youthful years, it was lights out the minute our heads hit the pillow. Not anymore. Now it’s “latency.” So, when you find yourself tossing and turning and sighing for hours on end, be comforted by the fact that science is not only on it, but so aware of our demise that they’ve taken the time to assign a scientific label to it. “Latency.”

Next is the decline of REM sleep. REM stands for rapid eye movement, which simply refers to the active dream stage of sleep. Apparently, it’s during REM that our sleep is the deepest and we gain the greatest overall mind and body rest. It’s imperative for good health, and 99% of us sixty and over folks are on a smashing REM decline. But wait! It gets worse.

“Fragmentation.” Yes; all those times we wake up during the night. We get out of bed for a drink of water, to use the toilet, check the time, read a book, and even day dream, because, let’s face it, we no longer night dream. All the things we do in the middle of the night when we’re supposed to be sleeping add up to one thing: “Fragmentation.” Our precious sleep is now broken into a million pieces like a bleak vase thrown against a brick wall. Shattered.

So, what do the powers that be have to say about all this? Well, they have concluded, and point a confident finger at, prescription drugs. That’s right. If we just stop taking that blood pressure medication and those high cholesterol drugs, and that silly antidepressant or those thyroid meds, not to mention those pain killers and all the antibiotics, or that heart stuff and those anti-inflammatories, etc., we would sleep like kids again. You heard me. Just give up all prescription medications and we are guaranteed to sleep ourselves right to death.

Later,

Mary Ann