The Gray

It occurred to me the other day, that I spend most of my life in the gray zone. It’s as though I can never really make up my mind about a million different things. Doesn’t that make me a bit wishy-washy? And if it does, I need to correct the situation because I have a hard time with that myself; people who leave me wondering about their true feeling, beliefs, ideas, points of view. It’s not that we need to agree – not at all. It’s just the desire to know people honestly. I’d rather spend time with people I completely disagree with than with someone I’ve never scratched the surface with. At least we know where we stand in each others eyes and can respect that . And why dance around, why hold back? All we have to lose is a friendship that was never really there to start with. It was just a pretense.

I guess it’s an age thing, but by this stage in life I hardly see the purpose of wasting time in the gray. For example; I have been on a half-diet plan for at least fifteen years. It’s a kind-of, sort-of, if it fits into my schedule, but only if we’re not on vacation anywhere or having anyone to dinner, or if I’m out with friends, diet. So, I am kind of, but not really, on a diet. I need to either lose the fifteen pounds or quiet talking about it. I’m sick to death of my lack of discipline.

Another thing I do is split myself in the department stores between the hip-hop edgy fun stuff and the let’s face it, we are getting older and this is what we should be wearing department. I don’t want to wear those clothes, the ones that are all spandex-y and scream of elastic and lose fit and comfort. I don’t want those even if they are comfortable and I look ridiculous in the other edgy fun clothes. My refusal to accept my age and changing shape is glaringly immature.

And then there is my faith. I am a true believer of the love of our Heavenly Father and salvation through His Son. Yet I don’t like going to church. I personally don’t have a lot to say in favor of most church people, although there are, of course, many exceptions. Yet, there are also so many phoney-balonys that I  don’t like being there. The problem is, if I never go, I start missing it terribly so we go, and then I get my fill, and then quit for a while. I should make up my mind and either do some good, get involved, volunteer; or just forget about it.

Another example of my wavering self: I love my dogs and have never been without a dog in my entire life. Yet, they tie us down. It’s a guilt ridden experience every time I leave if even for a few hours, let alone for an extended period of time, like an actual vacation. I love to have them cuddle up on the couch at night with the fire blazing and a good book. Yet the morning light shows a fine layer of dog hair and sand covering everything in sight; carpet, furniture, coffee table, and wet days leave the place smelling bad. The vacuum never stops. The dusting never ends. And although they are great protectors of home, I can’t stand the barking.

I’m going to start making up my mind. Just because I’ve always felt one way, doesn’t mean I can’t change my opinion and feel differently now. Also, I’ve made a decision to quit worrying about what anyone thinks of where I stand on any issue in life. At least I’m going to stand tall on one side of the fence or the other – no more straddling, swaying back and forth, fearing judgement. Who cares anyway? I’d rather get out of the gray and be proud of myself even if it means I end up standing alone.  It’s time for honesty, especially with myself.

Later,

We all have an expiration date, like it or not. Let’s not waste each others time!