Slipping Through the One Year Mark
Mom died a year ago. Actually it’s been a year and a few weeks. The date came and went, slipped by without anyone falling apart. Thank God for memories. If I closed my eyes and spoke with her, my imagination would put me sitting side by side on the glider at the lake. She would be speaking clearly, the stroke not yet having arrived and confiscated her life. We would be discussing the kids and she would be reminding me to pick my battles carefully and not make an issue out of the small things.
I miss her. They say making it through the one year mark is huge, the sailing should be smooth from then on. I hope “they” are right. Yet somehow, as time goes by, I feel her absence more and more.
Well, we can’t expect these fragile bodies to last forever, right? I mean, death is a part of life. It’s so simple, so matter of fact, yet for most of us, so hard to accept. The world marches on, with or without us, proving just how insignificant we are, how precious life is, and how important it is to live each day to the fullest.
When I am missing her, I remind myself that we will be together again one day. It’s not a fairy tale, not a lie to make us feel better. It’s a truth that I embrace, a truth that loosens the reigns on my aching heart and puts proper perspective on the future. I can imagine her now, without the stroke, a new body, pain free and carefree, alive in the presence of God.
So, the first year slipped on through with major changes and adjustments, yet considering it all, quite smoothly. I don’t know why, but having one under the belt, as the saying goes, hasn’t brought on a huge relief. What it has done is force us to accept that which we have no control of, the reality that we don’t always get our way. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, our plans are thwarted and destiny laughs in our faces.
The joke, it seams, is on us!
Later,
Mary Ann
By The Light of the Moon
It was about midnight when the light of the moon woke me. A flashlight in my face wouldn’t have been brighter or more affective. We’d left the doors open to our bedroom deck because it had been so warm when we’d gone to bed about two hours earlier. At the time, I’d looked for the moon but couldn’t find it although an abundance of brilliant stars dotted the blanket of blackness overhead. The street lights across the bay twinkled as if they too were stars fallen from heaven.
I heard something splash in the water, maybe a fish jumping, or a seal. The sound of the splash echoed off the still waters and a ripple traveled into the moon light. Sweet salt water permeated the heavy air. I’ve always thought if we could bottle that smell we’d make a fortune.
Moon light was cast all the way across the bay. In my mind I could see a ship slowly passing by or a whale gently breaching by the light of the moon. But nothing actually did. There was only stillness and deep quiet. Occasionally, a loon would call out and be answered by another far away. I saw something small stealthily flit through the air, most likely a bat. Nothing else stirred, not even the tiniest breeze.
Magic. Magic is what happens in the light of the moon. The challenges in my life are hard to define let alone remember when I gaze upon the universe in moonlight dotted with millions of twinkling stars. We are so small, so insignificant in view of it all.
Yet we are the most important, most valued and cherished in the eyes of God. So, you think you’re something special? Well, you are!
Later,
Mary Ann
Chocolate and Sleep
Two things I just can’t get enough of; chocolate and sleep. I have recently become a closet connoisseur of fine dark chocolates, hiding them in my car or in my backpack. On those busy days when two in the afternoon rolls around and I feel myself slipping, I sneak a nibble or three and am energized for a few more hours. Then it happens again, around four. What’s another little bite?
I’d prefer to have a little chocolate with a nap, like fries with a burger. A few small nibbles on the chocolate bar, slowly biting down on the solid chunk of heaven, making sure all the taste buds have a chance to revel before chewing and swallowing. Then, I’d curl up with my favorite quilt and softest pillow and close my eyes for an hour or so. Dogs next to me snoring softly, sunshine peaking through the windows. A little breeze rustling the leaves. Heavenly.
If we don’t have our dreams, what do we have? I think this is what I’ll request for my birthday next year; the whole package and maybe throw in a massage or a pedicure. Chocolate goes really well with those, too.
I’ve decided chocolate and naps assist in weight loss. Yes, they do! First and foremost, chocolate is a major antioxidant. Super healthy in small quantities. It gives a little boost to the immune system, it’s heart healthy, miraculously eliminates all menopausal symptoms, and it makes us feel so guilty we double up on exercise.
A good nap eliminates stress. Everyone knows stress causes weight gain and makes it difficult to get rid of belly fat. A nap takes us out of the stress of life and into dream land where everything is perfect (and chocolate). When we wake, we have a whole new outlook on whatever was bothering us in the first place, renewed energy and a sweet tooth that will be satisfied with a little nibble off the chocolate bar.
I think I need to go shopping now.
Later,
Mary Ann
Good Times with the Old Timers
“I’ve been working all day,” I defend myself to my ninety two year old neighbor. “Just look at me!” I indicated the mess that I am, as surely anyone can see. “I haven’t even had time for a shower!”
“You need to do something. You’re just lazy. And you need to clean yourself up. You’re a mess.”
“But I’m not lazy. I’ve been working since seven o’clock this morning! And I know I’m a mess. I’m going to clean up as soon as I’m done cleaning the house, re-potting my plants, pulling weeds, dead-heading the flowers, and scouring out our bathroom. ”
“Look at your dogs,” she reaches down to pet one. “They’ve been locked in the yard all day. They haven’t even been over to see me.” She peers closely into Rita’s eyes and asks, “Does she ever take you for a walk?”
“I walked them first thing this morning as I do every morning. Really, they’re spoiled beyond reason.”
She continues to pet the dogs while talking to me. “You are a terrible dog owner. You should give them away.”
“I am not a terrible dog owner. They get a good walk every morning and they get to run around the yard all day. In a little while I’m going to take them down to the beach. They can run around and swim if they want to.”
“Well it’s about time you did something nice for them. They’re good dogs. Too bad they don’t have a good owner.” She looks at me and starts laughing. She knows she’s driving my crazy and she’s having a great time doing it.
“Okay, well I’m back to work,” I stand to leave. “I have one more hour worth of work to do and then I’m done for the day.”
“I’m glad you’re doing something anyway. It’s better than just sitting around doing nothing. Let the dogs out once in a while will ya? I miss them.”
“I will,” I say as I head around to the front of the house.
“Where’s that husband of yours?” She hollers after me. “Sitting around doing nothing?”
“He’s at work, remember? He’s the one that makes the money in our household. He works, unlike me. I just sit around doing nothing.”
She laughs. This is the way it has been for years and I don’t think either one of us would have it any other way.
Later,
Mary Ann
Imagine That…or maybe not
Not that I think it was the Loch Ness or anything like that. I mean I was under water, and swimming in salt water, so it could have been clouding my vision. The salt water is hard on my eyes and it always takes a while to adjust and for the initial sting to go away. Yet, it wasn’t the usual life in the water, like a seal or an otter. It certainly wasn’t a whale. And it was absolutely not a jelly fish or an octopus. It was….well, I don’t know what the heck it was! That’s the problem.
I’ve never felt uncomfortable swimming in Puget Sound. I love the salt water, the cold invigorating temperature that snaps a person right to attention, just in case one was tempted to fall asleep as if in a nice warm bath. That will never happen in the waters surrounding the Puget Sound. Yet, in the same vein, one will never encounter a strange, large, unidentifiable…what should I call it?…a sea creature. Right?
There I was with the only other people on the beach being the neighbors who were out wake boarding. I new if I panicked I would most likely drown so I swam strong and steady, straight to shore. At one point I know it touched my leg. It was that leathery feeling of a dolphin, but I knew that wasn’t what it was.
I’d swam out to our boat buoy simply for someplace to swim to. It’s quit a ways but that’s the point. I’m always trying to challenge myself and get a little exercise. On that particular day, I decided to wear swim fins, something I don’t normally do, but am so grateful I did. It’s amazing how fast a person can swim wearing those fins.
Anyway, I got to the buoy, noticing how covered the line was with mussels, when something black and very long swam past me. It gave me the creeps. I didn’t normally see anything but possibly a seal in the distance. Nothing ever came close. I almost screamed but decided to save my breath and get to shore, telling myself it was probably nothing more than an otter or a seal. No more than thirty seconds later I felt it behind me. I spun around in the water and came face to face with…I don’t know what. It’s head was at least the size of mine but the neck was very long. It was towering over me and had solid black eyes that scared me to death. This time I did scream.
The creature flipped it’s head backward and it’s whole body followed. It had short arms as an alligator has and as it rolled backwards it exposed a bright red underside. The tail alone was at least as long as me and it was thick, slapping the water hard when it came down.
It was all I could do to aim for shore, close my eyes, and swim with everything I had. I knew if I saw it again, I’d be paralyzed. Somehow, I made it. I stumbled out of the swim fins and ran up the beach, scrambled over the pile of logs and threw myself over the bulk head onto our little patch of lawn. Then I collapsed onto the grass and tried to calm my heart by breathing steadily and slowly. I turned my eyes to the water watching for the creature to show it’s head again, but it never did.
When I pulled myself together and thought I could talk, I went to the neighbors to wait for their boat to return. Soon they came back, swinging a wake boarder close to the swim platform. I waved and they came close to shore. I’d stopped crying and felt somewhat composed so I asked if they’d noticed something odd swimming around out there. They hadn’t. I said I’d maybe seen something weird, like, I didn’t know what, but not anything normal. They smiled and then laughed like I’d told a good joke and went back out to wake board. I didn’t try to stop them.
After all, who knows what it was that I saw? One things for sure; I’m not going back out there any time soon.
Just kidding!
Later,
Mary Ann
It’s All in the Family
As I watch my eight year old nephews face break in to a huge smile, I see my niece from another brother. I watch another nephew pull a goofy face and I can’t get over how much he looks like one of his uncles. I have two nieces that mirror my own daughters in mannerisms that make me laugh. It’s all in the family, isn’t it?
Our daughters narrow shoulders came from my mother, as does her determination. Our son’s short stocky frame is his grandfathers as is his jovial laugh. My younger sister is so much like the brother we lost; I wonder if she knows it? I hear my mother’s voice coming out of myself all the time. It’s kind of nice. I don’t miss her so much knowing I’ve got a little bit of her in my personality, like her sense of humor. Inappropriate at times, yet good to have. I remember times it got her into a bit of trouble, just as it has me.
When we are all together it is apparent we all belong together, the family resemblances glaringly obvious. Yet none of us minds, at least not that I know. We’re an okay looking bunch and most of us have a good brain. We’re all stubborn and we’re all hard working, fun loving people doing our best, some better than others. And the older we get, the closer we become, reconnecting on a regular basis without too much time going by. Not at all as it was when we were young and had all the time in the world to catch up with each other. Time is running short these days.
I’ve come to realize that the things we want to do in life need to be done now. Every day needs to count. We were wrong when we were young, to think we could put things off, use our age as an excuse. I can’t believe how many things I left to do for the time when the kids were grown and on their own. I’m amazed at how little time I gave to my siblings and extended family back then.
I wish there were a way to impress the importance of staying connected to everyone. To convince people that the effort they put into keeping family ties strong is worth it beyond anything one could possibly realize. It’s what keeps us feeling good about ourselves, knowing there are special people in our lives that care, that will check in, that will help out. Knowing there are those who’s personality traits are much like our own, as are the traits of their children. It’s part of belonging.
If it’s been a while, maybe you should pick up the phone. Brothers and sisters need to hear from each other as do parents and grandparents. You won’t be sorry and you just may be the one to start something good beyond your belief for the years to come.
Later,
Mary Ann
A Tree With No Limbs
I met a woman years ago I consider more of an acquaintance than a friend. We met through a mutual friend but have never gotten together on our own. Perhaps we feel we wouldn’t have anything in common without her, the elastic band that stretches between us. Or, maybe we fear it would be unfaithful to get together without our mutual friend.
Whatever the case may be, I’ll never forget a particular conversation we had one day, the three of us, while meeting for lunch downtown. The mutual friend and I were discussing our families, particularly our daughters who know each other well. Suddenly, the acquaintance blurts out, “I feel like a tree with no limbs.” We looked at her with questioning eyes.
A tree with no limbs? What was she talking about?
She went on to explain how sorry she was she never had children. Regardless of anything else people may or may not have in common, nearly everyone can talk about their kids. It’s a topic that guarantees conversation.
She said it doesn’t matter where in the world a person lives, where they work or what they do, women with children have something in common and it’s a big thing, an important thing. It’s also a topic every parent needs and enjoys talking about. She told us how being a woman in her fifties without ever having raised children has made her an outsider all her life. She doesn’t share the common ground that so many women our age do, and she regrets it. She’ll never have the joy of grandchildren, of helping a daughter decorate a nursery or hold a newborn and know they are part of her.
I must admit, I’ve never looked at it from that particular view point. A tree with no limbs. No branches for birds to nest in, or big leafy greens to offer shade. Just there. Tall and rooted well with questionable purpose.
Now, I am sure there are a lot of people who have chosen not to have children and have no regrets. Yet I have to say, I’ve given a lot of consideration to her analogy and I see her point. I’d like to hear from other people who made the same choice twenty or thirty years ago. How is it now? Are you glad you opted out or do you have regrets?
Later,
Mary Ann
Nothing Like the Auroma of Fresh Coffee!
When our son was a toddler, he followed me to the coffee maker every morning. He waited for the beans to be freshly ground and then he’d give me the signal which was a tug on my leg. Before anything else could happen, I would bend over to offer him a good long wiff of the fresh ground beans, then I’d make a pot.
We always knew he’d be a coffee drinker. For years he poked his nose in the grinder and inhaled all the way to the bottom of his toes. He’d smile and walk away having his fix. When he was about nine or ten he asked me if he could have coffee with us. We explained that he couldn’t for many reasons. The poor guy was going to have to wait. Now days he makes his espresso nice and fresh every morning and revels in the luxury of rich gourmet blends invading his senses.
I don’t know what it is about the aroma of fresh coffee dripping in the pot every morning, like a welcome mat set out for a fresh new day. I think it has a lot to do with holding that hot mug in our hands, especially in the Seattle area where mornings are usually chilly. I love the first swallow. I love the variety and the richness of the beans. We are a unique bunch, us Seattle-ites are. We have discovered and embraced a rich culture we enthusiastically share with each other every chance we get.
Do you know anyone around here that isn’t immersed in our proud coffee culture? I do. I often wonder if they don’t feel out of place, not part of the community, invisible. I mean if you can’t meet at Starbucks for coffee, what is there to do? That is a basic social requirement in the Pacific Northwest. The non-coffee people should at least pretend. Go meet your friends for “coffee” regardless. Order a hot chocolate or something and act like our vision of normal. Otherwise, the non-coffee people will surely find themselves abandoned. It’s not worth it.
So, I’m going to go pour another cup and get to work. Have a great day everyone and enjoy the brew!
Later,
Mary Ann
Energy
It’s all about how we use it. Energy is energy. Weather it becomes positive or negative…well…that’s up to us. The surprising thing is how many people use it in a negative way. The question is, why waste good energy on the negatives?
Let’s use an example. Your are stuck in traffic and will be late because of it. Most often our reaction is to fume. Fuming takes energy. When arriving at your destination, you notice you are exhausted just from getting there. What if sitting there stuck in traffic, you decided there was a reason for it. Maybe there is an accident up ahead that you would have been a part of if not for the slow traffic. Or perhaps you would have been speeding and gotten a ticket if not for the inconvenience of the traffic. I don’t believe there are any coincidences in life. Everything happens for a reason.
If you decided to accept that philosophy and accepted the circumstances instead of fuming, you would arrive late, but relaxed and still full of energy. The energy would not be used up on negativism and would still be available for positives.
Now, take the example of wind. Wind is energy. Yet Mother Nature controls it and she uses it for both negatives and positives. Negatives being hurricanes and tornadoes; positives being first and foremost electricity. The point is, just as nature controls the natural forces of the wind, we control the usage of our own energy. Therefore we should use it wisely.
Remember when we were kids and the energy literally burst out of us? Those were definitely the good old days. If only…Yet, we are still energetic being, no matter how low the energy flows, and we need to be thoughtful in where we expend our energy and where we don’t.
Food for thought: If you have only enough energy to either take a walk outside or clean the kitchen, take the walk. If there is only enough energy left to laugh or cry, laugh. When you want to scream, use the energy required to do so in two or three controlled and far more effective sentences. When the choice is entertain five people and do all the work yourself or entertain ten people with a little help from everyone, entertain the ten.
If we give some thought and consideration to how we use ourselves up, we’ll get more mileage with the same amount of fuel.
Later,
Mary Ann
If only I could remember where my memory is!
The human brain is a computer; the original and unarguably most complex computer of all time. The average American uses about 10% of the brains capacity in a normal day, although nearly 100% of our brain will be used at some time or other in a given lifetime.
Now, that’s not saying much for us, in fact, it’s a little embarrassing. Of course, there are some people who utilize a greater amount of brain power in their daily lives; the super stars of eCommerce, of Wall Street, of Brain Surgery. As for me, I’m pretty sure I’m in the 10% category most of the time. Well I was before I stepped over the hill anyway. Now I’m simply struggling to remember to use it. If I could only figure out a way to use 20% of it, I’d most likely start remembering things again. I hate getting in the car and wondering, as I put the key in the ignition, where it is that I’m in such a hurry to get to.
My Google Calendar is a life saver. It’s always sending me little email reminders of where I need to be and when. I love it. I’ve trained myself to check my email first thing every morning just to see what day it is and whats going on. If it’s not on the calendar, it’s definitely not happening. I feel great about this, though. I’ve trained my brain to check the calendar every day. Just think of the things I could train it to do if I could figure out how to access more of it.
For example: What if I trained my brain to shut my mouth at 1200 calories a day and lock-jaw it. Not one more calorie allowed. I would be at my happy weight in no time! And what if I could train my brain to put me to sleep and stay asleep through the entire night. I would be rested and happy and energetic every day! What if I could train my brain to never allow me to forget anything, to speak foreign languages, to be a computer wiz and a financial genius?
The possibilities are staggering. It’s so tempting to give it a try, isn’t it? But, you know, I’m still rebooting every time I turn around and I keep contacting these stupid viruses and I’m outdated and I need tech support big time. If I ever get it figured out, I’ll share the knowledge from the untouched area beyond my normal 10%. I know there’s a way to boot it up and use it. I need to figure it out before I crash.
Later,
Mary Ann